The day before Ava's accident was Ivy's first day at kindy. Ava was so excited about showing her the ropes and proudly led the way in that morning. They played on the carpet while I took photos. This is the last image I took of Ava. It's not great technically but of course it's one of the most valuable images I have.
One more thing I wanted to share..
For months, I had been gathering ideas for a new business website. I had a definate idea of the theme I wanted - vintage - and had pretty much designed the entire site short of choosing the final logo. On Saturday morning, at 10.30am, I sat down at the pc to begin putting my ideas together. For some reason, instead of working with what I'd had in mind, I started to put together something completely different, based around Ava. I didn't think too hard about it, I just put it down and even down to the quote at the bottom - I was just driven to get it all down just as you see it here. I even chose pink for the font soley because it was Ava's favourite colour. I have no idea why I designed something so completely different to my ideas. I worked on it up until noon with Ava right beside me, driving me crazy asking a million questions as usual.. :)
When I came back the following week to start collating photos for the funeral slideshow, I sat down and turned the screen on and this was sitting there, right where I'd left it on Saturday, an hour before the accident.
I used the image and the quote on the front of her funeral service booklet.
I am grateful for these moments in the week before..they're not enough, but I'm glad for them.
26 comments:
"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world,
which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime,
and falling in at night. I miss you like hell."
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
These memories are amazing. So special. The simple things must be in neon now....and every moment must have taken on new significance and be given sacred interpretation.
How you must miss your baby girl.
The space around you must be so quiet without her toddler squels and her incessant demands.
The light may be different, but she is there. A love like that just doesn't disappear. A light that bright will not fade. xxxx
Sheye ~ your use of words just blows me away EVERY time. Thank you for sharing such precious memories. Love Always, V and K xxxxx
I found you through another blog and I have thought about you, your family and Ava so frequently since I read about the accident. I also have a three year old daughter and I have hugged her more often and tighter over the past weeks than I thought possible.
Your words and images are so beautiful - raw and emotional and just so true.
I hope you will find some solace as time goes by.
You are amazing Sheye- the strength you have to write so heartfelt is so special. I think about you everyday. My eyes swell everytime I read your entries. You have touched the lives of so many- very powerful-
I could NEVER say that I understand how you feel- but through your posts I am there with you. Thank you Sheye
That was so beautifully written. I have thought of you and Ava everyday since I happened upon your blog. You will contuie to my in my thoughts and in my heart.
I check in from time to time, hoping you will have a update on how you and your family are doing. I only know of you through your tragedy, however, you are on my mind all of the time. I wish you peace. I wish you happiness. I wish you vivid memories. Thank you for sharing your memories. They tug at my heart every time.
Stacy in Colorado
thanks for sharing your moments about ava. she was such a beauty. goodness i can't begin to imagine the living nightmare you must be going thru. i am so glad you have your 3 children to help you see the good in life. God Bless you . and may you find some peace in all your beautiful memories of your lil princess ava.
tara
Sheye,
You don't know me but I found your blog through a friend and think of you and your family often.
I am so glad that you have such beautiful photos and memories of your little girl. So precious.
Zoe x
she is with you always and forever
in memories, in life, in love.
i believe she will be there again with you one day forever.
Sheye ... You are so amazing. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you, Ava and your family. It bring great sadness but happiness at the same time to read your blog. These memories that you are keeping, sharing and putting down in print not only for you, your family and also all of us that are trying to understand the Whys??????
Lotsa hugs and kisses Suexx
Sheye,
Your words are so beautiful...and your stories so touching - I got chills reading your latest entry. My heart is with you all daily - and I continue to hurt with you...thank God for the beautiful memories you've captured of Ava. A part of her will be with you always,
laureen
Thinking of you always
Love, love, love
Lea xxx
“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerful than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death”
author Robert Fulghum
Poor solace in hollow empty grief are mere words, but so clear, true and powerful in your memories, LOVE is stronger than death.
Sus
xx
It still astounds me every time you talk about all these things that happened leading up to Ava's death... that beautiful photo down the beach, looking up as if she is saying "not long now".... your website! so SO different to everything you had talked about! even Ava having to sit right ON the desk instead of next to you!!! LOL
May your beautiful princess shine bright.
Thinking of you always Sheye & Crayton. Carrie xox
i have read your blog and wept. for you and your girl. and to hear you say you are loving and learning in the face of tragedy and loss, well, it's amazing. you are in my prayers.
Sheye~
I was sent the link to your website and encouraged to stop by here. I did, and have been back several times. My own story of tragedy and heartbreak is now one that is touching the lives of others. I can 'see myself' in your blogposts here...the pain, the memories, the regreta, and the gifts. I have lived it for several years now (my 4-year old Teagan was killed in July 2001), and contniue to journey through life carrying her with me every step of the way. I would love for you to stop by my blog if you get a chance. My youngest, Ava, just turned three today. While I am no way near your talent and beauty at capturing photos, I do share my life and some of the insights and perspectives I write may give you hope for your future and life as you seek to pick up the pieces and redefine who you are without the presence of your beautiful Ava from day to day.
I know the hurt and the way it overwhelms your heart and soul, at such sudden, tragic turns of events in life. Never in my wildest imagination could I have dreamed the death of my daughter either. I missed every minute of her in my life- every single day. I couldn't make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without breaking down in sobs. I couldn't fold the laundry without falling to my knees, weeping because I missed her days-of-the-week underware. The littlest things made me want to laugh from the memories...and yet I could hardly breathe from the cries that escaped from within. I share your pain and grief.
I can honestly say, that maybe Ava is much to you who my Teagan was to me. A few days before Teagan's death she asked me 'How many days am I?'...I said, "You're a lot, Teagan and we have a lot more to live". I couldn't have been more wrong. But she also said repeatedly, "I just want to be four forever (she was 4 years and 4 and a half months old when she was killed...she even got her wish.) Shortly after her death, I was talking nonstop about everything I loved about Teagan and how much zest she had for life and how 'perfect' her life had been. Then it hit me...I said, "She must have been an angel, we just couldn't see her wings!" Ava just strikes me as the same kind of spirit. SO sweet...so 'perfect'...and yet there is no answer to why she had to die.
I am learning that I may never get an answer, but that life still holds unexpexted blessings and joy. I have to look harder for them...and sometimes even create my own joy...but it still exists. I hope everyday for yo and your family is one step closer to the peace and joy that now fills my heart- in spite of loss and pain.
You are cared for and prayed for from far away. I wish for you comfort and fireflies that start shining more brightly and clearly for you each day. All my best to you...
I think of Ava every single day.
No words to say, just that I am thinking of you.
I think of you often and have cried for you many times. As a Christian I know Ava is happy and is with our Father and you can see her again someday. That would be the only thing that could keep me going in your situation. No mother deserves such a heartache and deepest sorrow, but by grace and through faith one day you have much to look forward to. Until then I am glad that you realize your other children need you to be happy...for their sake. I will continue to pray for you.
Sheye, I think of your family every day. May God be with you.
I came across your blog by accident and I've been back several times. I'm a new mother and can't imagine the pain of losing a child. You're a strong woman and I know Ava is looking down with a smile on her face. You and your family will be in my prayers.
Sheye,
We are so at a loss for words and feel torn for your loved one lost. How heart broken you and your entire family must feel during this time. We grieve with you.
As the father of 4 beautiful children (3 girls, 1 boy ) my heart aches at the thought of losing just one of my children.
I viewed all of your images of Ava on your blog and the world has truly lost a beautiful & precious little angel.
My the Lord Jesus bring peace to your hearts during this trial. You & your entire family are in our thoughts and prayers.
my thoughts and prayers continue to be for you and your family. I think of Ava often... I thought of your sweet beach photos when I took my kids last week....
peace be to you and your family.
AnneMarie in Texas
Sheye,
I can not express how much you sharing your life, especially during these past weeks, has meant to me. You are an amazing woman. In some small way, you have made me proud and thankful to be a woman and a mother. You have touched me deeply. And I thank you for that. I continue to pray for your family.
Something has happened that I feel the need to share with you. Take from it what you will or what you need. Last week, I was standing in our backyard with my son and husband. My son said "Balloon!" I looked up into the sky to see a beautifully pink balloon drifting by. It struck me so. At that moment I prayed for you and smiled. I thought of emailing you then, but did not. Then yesterday, we were at an outdoor shopping center. We stopped for a moment by a lovely water fountain. Something caught my eye. I looked up and there again was a beautifully pink balloon floating away just before me. Balloons don't float past me on a regular basis, and maybe it was nothing. But I will choose to believe that it was your little pink princess sending love through me to you. I send hugs your way.
~mccall~, flickr
Sheye - I am just a stranger who had been touched by your tragedy. I came by the blog to check on you. I am just blown away by you - your strength, your love, your spirit, your ability to use words to get right to the heart of the matter. Reading your words made me feel like a better person. You have such a gift, so many gifts. I hope you find comfort in them.
Dear Sheye, we once chatted about your beautiful girl wearing her little oilily cardi that was several sizes too small - but you let her wear it anyway, and we laughed about it. Last night I though of you as I did my 'quick tuck in before going to bed' check - the one where they are so perfect - there hair tumbled around their faces and their breath sweet.... And I ached for you and Ava. Love Lynda (frausmithy) xxx
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