For James..

Happy Birthday little one. I'm sorry it was raining here so I only got a few photos for your Mummy. May your day today be even more magical than usual. xxx

Michelle, you have all been in my thoughts as today, on the other side of the World, arrives. We both know there are no words.

With love xxx

A few of my favourite things.

In the middle of a completely gloomy morning, the sun popped out for a moment, giving us the most beautiful lighting on our deck. It's only a photo opportunity that would see me venture out into the cold but I got to capture the sun chime, as I call it, looking so very pretty. Ava loved it a little too much and disconnected the sun from the chime so it's extra special now :)

Carrie sent me a little gift in the form of a texture image so I've been trying it out on the odd thing - I quite like it on these two. As you can see, I love pinecones and often get the boys to go hunting for them to put around the place...

And just a hibiscus in Grandad's garden recently...So pink, Ava would have snaffled it as soon as it arrived. :)

A special request for a special family.

I mentioned about sometimes feeling at the bottom of a hole..what I forgot to say is that sometimes the notes come from beautiful people who are in their own holes themselves - yet they still manage to get a note to me. One of those friends said it's to some degree how you are as a person before you lose a child that dictates how you will pull through afterwards. I totally agree and I have to say to those people who give so selflessly even with their own immense sorrow, you must have been truly beautiful before and it still shines through now. xx

I'm asking a special favour to everyone today. One of Ava's little friends in Heaven, James Krainich, would be turning three today, June 26. If you're able to send three balloons skyward for James, it would mean a lot to his family. If you'd like to take a photo and email it to me at srosemey@bigpond.net.au I will forward it to Michelle. Having experienced first hand the beauty and comfort in seeing people all around the World releasing balloons for Ava, I know how special this would be for James' family. It's so important for us Mummys (and Daddys) to feel that our little ones are never forgotten. Jo, Michelle and Spencer, we are thinking of you so much today and know that Ava will help James celebrate. The rainbows are his today. :)

With much love.

It's Kate's fault.

Because if Kate didn't send me pretty spotty ribbon then I'm sure I'd have stayed with the carousel at least a week or two longer :p

No, actually the reason I've changed my header is that it's dawned on me that I tend to run with certain themes for my site/blog and then get sick of them quite quickly. (not one word, Carrie. :p) Because Ava's illustrations mean so much to me, I can't bear to think that I'd ever tire of looking at them so to keep them extra precious, I've decided to go with something else. Hope you like it :)

I wanted to say thankyou so much to everyone who's commented and emailed me since my last post - in those moments it makes me imagine I'm at the bottom of a dark hole and little notes are dropping down to me. They don't pull me out of the hole but they do make a teeny bit more bearable being there. I'm so grateful.

Well it's been an uneventful week, apart from Macey losing his first tooth (and his Daddy pitching it down the sink by mistake...shhh) and the boys beginning school holidays on Friday. We've already done the movies, the park and pizza night. Are we there yet? :p

Here is Missy Ivy looking like a big girl with her piggytail and look of serious concentration, taken today.

With love..

The firefly has disappeared.

I'm thinking I should write a post about how cold it is, because it really is freezing here tonight. And that gorgeous Kate sent me the most beautiful spools of ribbon, red with white polkadots and it made me say "Oh" out loud when I opened the little noodle box she sent them in. I could talk about Luca's puppet show at school today - it was the cutest thing and he was the narrator..

But what I'm really thinking about is how today, and yesterday, have been very difficult days. I know they don't go on like that and tomorrow might be much more bearable but for now I'm just drowning in missing and sadness. It seems as though we're finding it harder by the day to believe Ava is not here and to try and understand how we lost her. On such a normal day. Doing such normal things. How could that happen? It feels as though it will never make sense and that it is so wrong and that we will never know what true happiness feels like again.

There is so much that goes with life after losing a child that you don't realise. The fear in knowing that even though we truly adored Ava and put in place so many things to keep our kids safe, we still lost her. Knowing that fate can and does step in and is indiscrimate and, at times, so very unfair. That just because we have had more anguish and heartache than we're sometimes able to bear doesn't mean we won't have any more for the rest of our lives. The panic we experience each time the school rings or when one of the kids doesn't answer the first time we call out to them. We live with the constant fear that "normal" days can turn into nightmares. It really is a different World we walk in.

Crayton says that some moments are particularly hard because Ava is walking beside us at those times. I think, because I went to a puppet show, and because I was playing with pretty ribbon and seeing as it was extra cold, she must have been snuggled in my lap today.

xxxxx

Keira and Craig get married!!!

And what a beautiful, beautiful day it was. The setting was breath-taking, the detail amazing..and what a bonus to have stunning subjects to work with! Keira and Craig, thankyou for letting me share an amazing day...you are a truly beautiful couple.

This is Keira getting ready - since when do brides look this relaxed? I just love the sheer joy!

My first foto-rage incident.

Don't let the doll like appearance fool you.

Ivy is starting to show her personality, and I'm afraid it's not looking pretty. I know this because while I attempted to snap her yesterday, she displayed her disapproval by picking up a metal truck and hurling it at my camera. My first reaction was to move the camera out of harms way but that meant the truck caught me fair in the face. I'm not sure if her outrage was due to the photos or the bonnet but I'll approaching future photo shoots with extreme caution, and head gear.

Things, Lovely Things.

(Because I've been at the pc all day proofing, I'm determined to make this post about something other than photography. Seeing as Carrie is doing her best Martha impression and posting recipes these days, I'll be going one better and discussing shelf ornaments...Stay with me here. :p)

I love to imagine one day I'll have a totally zen house. Devoid of kidstuff, clutter and paperwork.. A few bits of uber stylish furniture, white of course, and not a lot else.

The reality is that I live amongst all manner of shades of practical taupe, beige, chocolate and espresso, apart from the lego decorations which are multi colour of course, and just indulge in an all white bedroom.

Having said all that, when it comes to the kids rooms, I aim for total carnivale! Ivy's room is candy pink, orange, blue and green! The possiblities are endless! I love collecting little unusual things for her..babushka dolls are a favourite, as are those teeny suitcases!

Each night she says goodnight to the tin people you see here..we call them her "friends" and she gives them a kiss and a wave.

So there you go...a peek into Ivy's bookcase. I'm quite sure I've never posted so many pictures of non moving objects :p

I have the decorating bug.

I'm so excited! I've been working on my new site which includes gorgeous illustrations by Mandy Sutcliffe from Belle & Boo so have decided to pretty up my blog, with Mandy's permission of course, and include one here. Mandy is an amazing artist - she's doing five commissions of Ava for me and I'll be really sad when she finishes - she's just been so beautiful to work with.. I chose photos that were really special to us and to see them illustrated by Mandy took my breath away.

Check out Mandy's Etsy shop where she sells gorgeous originals and prints and other sweet things.

Boystuff.

My nephew Bass came to stay for the weekend and the boys are already asking when he'll be back. I got about 34 seconds of their precious time to snap off these before they staged a three man protest and refused to allow another single shot. I felt like paparazzi hiding around corners until Luca spotted me and did the classic celeb dummy spit.

Seeing as I had nothing new to proof last night, I resorted to going over old boy photos and had a giggle remembering this day, over a year ago. The moment I saw the boys heading for the mud puddle, I ran to get my camera. Both the boys AND I got in trouble for the mess!!

Back in the day.

I don't normally do this kind of thing but was looking through old photos today and thought I'd post a few...

This is me circa 1992 with my first proper boyfriend. We lasted three years until he became quite sure I had a thing for my flatmate. I was quite sure he was wrong at the time but seeing as I went on to marry and have four children to my beloved flatmate, I guess he was onto something!!!
Similar timeframe, outside the MCA in Sydney. I'd gotten home from work the day before and announced "Hey, Andy Warhol has an exhibition in Sydney this weekend, do you want to go?". So being 20 and free, forementioned fellow and I drove the nine hours to get there, only to find the Gay Mardigras was also on so we had nowhere, and I do mean nowhere, to stay. I'm suprised we actually lasted after that weekend, it was so damn miserable :p



1991. When Daisies Attack....
Now at the risk of never living this down, I had to share my totally humiliating attempt at chanelling Drew Barrymore. Sherrie and I took ourselves along to one of those ridiculous studios where they plaster you with a tonne of makeup, airbrush you to within an inch of your life and insist you look breath-taking. You decide for yourself.

1993. Returning from LA with Jennifer and Sandra. I mentioned previously our hyperventilating at the sight of Saks...that was just the start. It's no coincidence that I experienced my first peti-mal epileptic seizure about an hour after this photo was taken...three weeks of non stop shopping will do that to you. :p

And lastly, 2003, celebrating my birthday with Sherrie and Emma...

So that's my little trip back in time...

Anyone else game?

A gift so beautiful..

I can barely put it into words. I went to Ava's memorial site today and saw that Kristina York has done the most absolutely beautiful portrait of Ava. She has based it around a photo that was a favourite of Crayton's. He always said it was like Ava had found a fairy and has often mentioned it over the months.

To see this painting today was so amazing - I can't describe how beautiful it is to us and how touched we are that Kristina has created something so magical. I just know this gift will bring us comfort for years to come - how priceless is that? Beauty abounds.

Here is the photo Crayton loves.

I think she wants pink :)

I was sitting her proofing some photos for my new site when an email came in from Mum about Ava's photos I'd posted today. I read over how I'd said we marvelled at her every day and then came back to Photoshop to keep working. I went to continue using the black paint brush that I'd been using (for layer masking, you photogs know what I'm on about) and as I clicked the mouse, a big pink splotch landed on her dress. For reasons unknown, my black had turned to pink in the moments I was gone. I've never had my colour just change like that and certainly not to one I hadn't been using at all today. I love that I'm working on a photo of Ava looking at the sky too :) Made me smile.

For those who don't use PS, you can see the little pink colour box to the left!

S xxx

Hidden treasures for you Jen.

Here sweetie, some more photos that were tucked away:)

I have whole folders of images waiting to be explored all over again - I do love sitting and looking through but I will admit if I find one I haven't seen before, or if someone else gives me a photo of Ava, I find it almost impossible to look at. I'm okay if I'm familiar with the images but if you suprise me, I struggle. I think it must be because my mind already has all of her images tucked in there somewhere, ready to replay at any given moment, and when I get a new image it's like seeing her do something new when I otherwise couldn't, and it's just a bit too much. It doesn't mean I'm not thrilled to have them and when people tell me they have a photo of her, it's like telling me I've won Lotto, every time, but it's just hard to see them. God, does that make sense?

I'd been waiting and wishing to dream of Ava, just to see her running around and talking to me and well, full of life. I was hoping my sleep thoughts would take much longer to realise. I saw her once, right in the week after the accident, but not again until this week. I'm sad to find that in my dreams now, Ava has already died.

I just hope one night I get a suprise, like the photos, and see my darling girl again.

So on to ordinary things. Today I have a wicked cold. I've been going to the gym and I swear that's the problem..it's not good for your health :p All those sweaty people, putting their germy hands on my machines...eeew. I'm not impressed. For all my puffing, I'm not even thin and now I'm not even well. Oh the cruelty. At least I get out of today's visit. This could mean though that I'll probably have to do domestic type activities. You know you've been married too long when your husband says "Honey, we need to just think of somewhere new and different to do it. Make it a bit exciting"..and we're talking about grocery shopping.

Please tell me she's still a baby.

Because Susannah said she's almost not. And I want to pretend that's just plain wrong and that she's still very much in babyland but photos like this one show otherwise. Lately I've taken to letting her run around in nothing more than a nappy. Who cares that we're officially in Winter - it makes her look more baby. And what do you mean she really can hold her own fork now? I refuse to let her grow up... If I just keep talking in baby talk and making her wear shoes with buckles, will she stay a baby? Is that illegal?

If you're wondering why there is a bubble in her photo, the boys were standing off to the side blowing them, much to her joy :)

Beauty Full.

Some older photos of Ava - how does one look so beautiful holding a bag of sultanas over their head? She loved this dress and wore it long after it was too short. So many days I'd get Ava dressed (or Ava would get Ava dressed) and then bring her out to her Daddy and say "Look at your daughter" and he'd always go "Awww, isn't she a beauty?". Of course I know all the stuff about teaching them that it's what inside that matters most and yes, yes, we told her she was clever and kind too but how could we not just marvel at her beauty? She was just, well, Beauty Full.

Speaking of a little bit gorgeous, here is Missy Ivy at Grandads this week. Sitting in that chair with her hair like that, I feel like she should be named "Clara" or something equally British and proper!!