Too Beautiful.

Wow! We are thrilled to bits that so many people have bought Ava's illustrations...When I imagine them up in rooms all around the World, it truly makes me smile. I wonder what Ava would make of all this attention? I like to think that she would have made such a mark as a beautiful woman on this Earth so to know that she's doing that regardless of how long she walked here..well it's so nice, isn't it? So thankyou, so much. And thankyou Mandy, you must wonder what's hit you!

I won't have this pc for a couple of weeks..I'll have my laptop but no access to photos (I had to type that quickly so as to not think about it too long!) so my posts might be a little scarce. I've forwarded my email so it's not all grim.

I'll sign off with two more photos of our little mermaid. I would be lying if I said my heart didn't hurt a little more when I look at them. Too Beautiful.

Love S xx

The Super Princess Series.

Just when I thought I'd gotten my breath back, Mandy from Belle & Boo has taken it away!! I tried so hard to wait a day or two to post again so that my thankyou stays at the top but I can't help myself - I just have to share. Ava's "Super Princess" illustrations are finished!!! They are beyond Beauty Full - Mandy has exceeded my hopes and expectations 100 times over, I just can't put into words how special they are!

A funny thing - when I really love something, I mean reeeally adore something, I almost can't look at it. A little like a dress that's just too good to wear or paper that's too pretty to write on, these perfect little pictures are so delightful to me I can barely stand to peek at them...they just have such an impact on me. I'm sneaking sideways glances so I can get used to their wonder gradually!! Some of them were done with a photo as inspiration and some were done right from scratch, which just astounds me when I see how closely they resemble Ava. Every one of them is a precious memory I hold and Mandy has just captured those moments perfectly.

Okay, I'll try to shoosh up now but I just wanted to show them off and tell you that Mandy is selling them at her Etsy shop with 25% of the sale price being so generously donated to the Mater Hospital who cared for Ava. There are five in total - I'd love for everyone to go and see how beautiful they are.

I feel like I'm guilty of over-use of the word "thankyou" but Mandy, thankyou. You are a gift.

**edited to say there has been a stampede at Etsy so if you can't see them, Mandy will be restocking all the time - just check back a little later..You can also just "converse" with Mandy and request them - there is no limit on prints. I will add the other three here just so they're always on show :)

Breathing again.

Just. It's impossible to put into words just how draining this week has been - much more than I could have imagined. What I do want to say is just how overwhelmed I am with the incredible support so many of you have shown us. We have been carried by kindness through the most difficult of days..

For every beautiful card, email, phone call, flower and gift after beautiful gift, we are so grateful. To be able to sit and unwrap the most heartfelt presents on her day meant more than I could adequately express. I wish I could say I have been able to email every single person individually to express my thanks but alas, I have not. We are still coming up for air after facing such a huge hurdle and also attending a ceremony this morning for Ava and one of her angel friends, Yasmine. It was hard but it was also a truly beautiful service and has been a little bit of healing for today.

So thankyou, 1000 thankyous, to every single beautiful soul who has kept us in their thoughts and prayers and gone out of their way to hold our hands through this week.
With so much love.
S xxxxxxx

The Gift Of Ava

I want to remember what an amazing privelidge it is, to have been Ava's Mummy.

She was my every wish granted.

My dream, literally, come true.

I want to reflect on the pure joy that she brought us, every single day.

To never forget the wonderful impact she has made on our family.

To truly celebrate the gift of Ava.

I'm trying, with all my heart and soul, to find peace, to be brave, as her birthday arrives.

Happy Birthday, my darling girl. Iloveyousomuch.

Before and after.

"It is possible to live with a broken heart. But it's hard."

We sat there nodding hearing another grieving parent say this the other day. Of course it makes such perfect sense to us. We are still determined, every single day, to make a good, happy life for all of us...to arrive at a day where our kids say "You know, we had a great childhood"....but getting there is, on many days, so hard.

So many things have shifted since losing Ava. So many. I can't help feeling like my whole belief system has evaporated - I had such a certainty that karma took care of everything - that I had a good life because I was a good person, that life was kind to me because I "did the right thing".. I liked having that belief - it felt secure and right. It's another loss for me that I now understand that no-one is keeping score. Sure, maybe when I arrive where it is that I end up, perhaps it will matter but for here and now it has become apparent that I have very little control over whether my day includes joy or tragedy. From here on when I "do the right thing", I know it's just because well, it's the right thing. Nothing more, nothings less. No expectations, no balance sheet, no payback. And really, it's such an insult to all the other good people who have had bad things happen that I held this belief in the first place. How incredibly conceited of me.

The other thing that has been on my mind a lot is just how blessed we were but we didn't know it. We thought we did, we spoke of it very often, we just didn't really know it. I think we are conditioned, in Western society, to perceive lucky as big house, new car, overseas holiday..and the rest. There's nothing wrong with wanting nice things, hell -I'm guilty of having a well thumbed Tiffays catalogue by my bedside..but what I now know so completely is that richness is truly right there, no matter what car/house/boat you do or don't own. I'm not an envious person by nature but suddenly I find myself so very jealous and wanting to tell families in supermarkets "My God..You are SOOO lucky. Do you know?" I want to tell people to get down on their knees, daily, and be so truly thankful for their full, whole, complete families. To smother their children with hugs, to tell their partners they adore them. To stop worrying about stuff that Does Not Matter. To not procrastinate, to not left words unsaid, to not assume a tomorrow. I am still blessed, I do know I have a lot to remain thankful for but when I look back, I feel so much frustration that we didn't truly know..

Well I guess that's enough rambling for one night...Grandad came back from 10 weeks in the UK today and the boys got up at 5am to prepare for his arrival (at 9!!)..They were beyond excited. To fill in time, of course I got the camera out.

These look like sweet family photos but in reality I was enduring constant heckling by the crowd.

The boys...

Ivish, wearing a selection of beautiful jewels sent to us from Carrie yesterday..along with some other very special things..but more about that in another post.

And here is Mason running onto the coach that dropped Grandad off - he simply could not wait any longer :) How happy do they both look?

And I love Grandad's sheer joy at holding Ivy again.

I'm hesitating to post this pic of this little critter who was observing my picture taking in the garden today, I might scare off Laureen who's visiting my neighbourhood from Canada next year!!

The Luca Remix.

As I've often mentioned, Susannah's CD's make up the entire music collection in my car - I'd be lost without them and I think the boys like them as much as I do...

The other day Luca asks to hear a song by Cold War Kids - We Used To Vacation. A very sorry song, it has always saddened me listening to the tortured, desperate lyrics of a man with a drinking problem and the effects on his family. The chorus cries..


"I promised to my wife and children, I'd never touch another drink as long as I live".

I find it and Luca starts to sing along....We get to said chorus and he belts out, completely seriously, this..

"I promised to my wife and children, I'd never touch another CHICKEN as long as I live".

Oh the visions!!!I never imagined I could listen to that song and laugh :p If you read my previous post about the chicken aversion, it makes perfect sense I guess!!

Different day, different CD and Susannah has included a great mash up from the Beastie Boys... It's been a while since I listened to the Beasties and I'd forgotten about some of the more choice lyrics...."Living at home is such a drag. My Mum threw away my best porno mag". Mason pops up and says "Mum, mum, what did he say? What did his Mum throw out?" I try to ignore for a while but he's not letting it go - I'm desperately trying to think up a suitable response when, to my horror, Luca says "I'll tell him Mum". Before I can intervene, Luca explains "My Mum threw away my best orn-a-ment". Great!!! That works. I can just imagine Adrock, totally devestated to find his best Lladro figurine in the trash... !!

I love getting these glimpses into their childish World, where everything is innocent and naive..It's everything I try to capture in my photos.

Anyway, some pics from a trip to the beach last weekend..

A little bit of happy.

"A little it of Happy" is what one of the CD's Susannah sent me the other day was appropriately called. I do feel like I've been given more than a little bit of happy in different forms this week...Amidst some really shabby days, I was given such beautiful things to make me smile...

Remember a little while back I was getting my blog books printed? Well I was a little suprised when Blurb contacted me to ask if they could use my blog book for promotional purposes. I was more than happy with that, I got three free albums to boot, and thought nothing more of it. I'm imagining my book sitting at the odd fete stall or something. Kate emailed me the other day to point out that we'd actually made the Home page at their site!!! How excitement!!!

I have to say I was really impressed when the books arrived - they were inexpensive so I was expecting mediocre print quality but they really are great. I did both soft and hard covers to compare and they are both very nice...It's a real novelty to sit and read my blog away from the PC. Shipping is a bit expensive if you're o/s but if it doesn't increase if you're ordering a few at a time and at least that will motivate me to get my 40,000 photos into books sometime soon.

Another little bit of happy arrived this week from Gloria, the chaplain at Ava's kindy. Late one afternoon, she popped around with dinner and cupcakes for us. I was so touched - I can't say enough what it means to have practical help at times..the simplest tasks can feel impossible on "bad" days and Lord knows that whipping up a culinary masterpiece at 5pm each evening is not my forte. So of course I had to photograph the cupcakes - it'sa good thing I did, they were a distant memory by about 8pm.

Another beautiful card from Jen...two more Sus mixtapes...lots of lovely supportive emails... a trip to the beach with the kids...a note from one of the kindy girls to say Ava's gardenia had flowered for the first time (on the six month anniversary weekend) - so many things to be grateful for in an otherwise challenging week.

I feel like Chicken Tonight, like Chicken Tonight.

Lately, my boys have developed an aversion to chicken. Well, no, one boy has - Luca. And whatever Luca has/says/does, Mason is sure to follow. So they've united in their extreme dislike of all things fowl. While I do understand, being one of those odd vegetarians myself, I was at a bit of a loss as it's the basis for about 80% of my kids meals. So, what started out as a joke one day has now become a lifesaving parenting mealtime strategy....I feel duty bound to pass it on.

Now, every day when they whine "what's for dinner?", I tell them "chicken" and watch them melt down. Wail, they do, in unison "Notttt chicken. We HATE chicken. Why does it have to be chicken? You can't keep feeding us chicken. We WONT eat the chicken" and so on.. When they eventually stop being hysterical, I then tell them I'm just joking and it's really pasta/sausages/shepherds pie or whatever other meal they used to refuse to eat.

It works a treat. They are so relieved to not be getting chicken they gladly accept the replacement. (Except when they've pushed my buttons one too many times that day - then the replacement is turkey.)

Baby steps.

It's just started to warm up a little so I've changed my header and music to suit. I know Heart Of Glass is a little miserable but because 1. I love this version, 2. It sounds a bit tropical and 3. I am more than a little miserable this week, it's working quite well for me. I used to love Summer so much but I have to admit it no longer holds the same feelings as the warmer days approach.

Some of you know we've been looking to move closer to Mum and Dad..well we've finally made it happen. We've bought a house in Brisbane :) It won't settle until October, we asked for some extra months to gather ourselves. To be able to call into Mums for a cup of tea, to let the kids see all the family whenever they want, to just start something new - these things make me glad.

While we're sure it's the right thing for us, If I think too far, the idea of locking the front door, getting into the car and driving down the road from this house for the last time terrifies me. For now, here, I can peer into any corner of any room and see Ava. If I sit on my doorstep, I can have her run up the path. I can glance out at the pool and she's there in her floatie. I can hang out washing and see her running down the hill. I can lie in bed and watch her walk across my floor or see her beside me as I put on my make up. In my minds eye, she is everywhere. I only need look and she pops up in a million memories every single day.

The knowing that when we leave I will have to remember the place along with her is so difficult - sometimes I am jolted from sleep feeling so afraid of the very idea. I know what waits on the other side is something I've wanted forever - to be living in the same city as Mum and Angie - but the steps it will take to get there feel so heavy. I imagine myself - squeezing my eyes shut, taking a deep breath, and running through the unknown.. which is pretty much what we've been doing for 6 months now.

Having said all this, often when I fear something being hard, what gets me through is telling myself we've already faced the very worst scenario in life so we will be okay... In my heart I know this is true.

So baby steps, baby steps.