When we chose Ava's casket, I vaguely remember some of my thought process. They're so tiny. (But she's so tiny.) Is there just white? It should be pink, really. Silver or gold handles? Silver is better for a child. But gold would suit her skin. (Oh but she's not wearing them, it's just to go with white.) What will look prettier in the chapel? What would she like?
But more than anything..Are we really here, doing this?
I could not even begin to process what we were doing. Not us. Not for our daughter. Please don't let this be our life. Our child. It was so unbelievable. (It is still unbelievable.) I didn't realise on that day that her little tiny white casket with silver handles and a cross needed to hold so much more than our precious daughter.
It had to hold her first day at school. Her uniform. The bows for her plaits. Her books. The friends she'd meet. The lunches we'd make for her. Her graduation dress.
It had to hold all her toys along with all her future things of treasure ..her cd's, her jewellery, her perfume, her car and her house and all her trinkets.
It had to hold her friends. The sleepovers and the shopping trips. The coffees and the wines and the trips to the movies. The giggly phone calls. The games, the gossip, the disagreements.
It had to hold so many parties. Her birthdays, her engagement and her housewarming parties. Her friends parties. The outfits she'd carefully choose, the shoes to match. The gifts. The excitement.
It had to hold a husband. A whole wedding. A beautiful wedding dress...and the dresses of her bridesmaids. A honeymoon and a happily ever after.
It had to hold her children. Her clothes for a bigger belly, her parenting books, her babies nurseries. Her fears for their safety, her hope that she was doing a good enough job.
It had to hold every single one of her dreams. Her hopes for a bright future, her worries about the unknown, her anticipation of all the tomorrows. Her opinions, her beliefs, her faith. Her regrets and her achievements. Her amazing, wonderful, full, happy life that never became.
These are my quiet thoughts today. Pondering what is really contained within each of our small children. So much. So very, very much that we vaguely imagine at times and smile and look forward to.
It is a gift that now, when I hold my children dearly and breathe them in, I'm not just grateful for them, I'm so thankful for all of their tomorrows.
Love Sheye xx
Sunday, May 04, 2008
All Of Her Tomorrows.
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74 comments:
Sheye,
I read your blog and I often think of Ava throughout my day. Your words are so powerful. So real. So true. Thank you for sharing them and Princess Ava.
You are an amazing women, mother, and wife. Ava got everything from you. You hold her tomorrows in your heart.
Just a beautiful post and oh so true.
I read your blog and think of you and your family often
Nic
Dear Sheye...
Your words touch my heart.
Ava have a wonderful mother. Your three other children have a wonderful mother.
It`s a beautyful picture of you and Ava.
Thanks for sharing.
Ella
That is just about one of the most beautiful sentiments I've ever read Sheye. Tear dripped down my face in total understanding of what you mean, even though I have both my children. You bear your loss better than I could ever even try to imagine I could. You are a statement of what true strength is. And your Ava, who crosses my mind so many times...you just don't know, is a true statement of what a child means to their parents.
No words. Just wishes.
Love,
Jane
Thank to Ava and your words my childrens tomorrows will always be so special.
You made me realise just how much i have to be thankful for, in my own life.
And i'm sorry that she never had the chance to find out what was waiting for her.
She was incredibly lucky to be your child. You still hold her dreams for her.
- S xx
Oh Sheye.. your words are beautiful and so true. Sending you a big hug from across the miles.
xoxo
rashmi
Oh honey nothing but tears here...
Loveyousomuch
Lea x
Thank you for your beautiful words! You have reminded me once again to let the little silly things go and just squeeze my family tight.
you don't know me...but, i too lost a baby girl. this should have been her first year in kindergarten. it was a milestone that i have been dreading...reading your blog post was like reading my mind. thank you for the post. they are my thought as well...
Thank you for sharing that.
I have been reading your blog for quite a while now, but don't often comment because I just never know what to say (and certainly don't know how to go about putting my words together as beautifully as you do). But I get the feeling that you'd like to know how much your daughter has impacted my life. Whenever I'm having a bad day with my daughters (4 1/2 and 2 1/2) I stop and think about how much worse life could be. I think about Ava, and how I know you would give anything to have her back acting "naughty" or crabby. . . then I feel horrible for getting upset over such stupid little things. And then I feel even more horrible and guilty over the fact that your little princess isn't with you and your family any longer.
Many times when I hug by girls or tuck them in at night, I think of Ava and how different my life would be without either of my princesses. I ache for you each time I read one of these posts.
Thank you for your reminders to never take a moment for granted and to look forward to each day I have with my children.
XOXOXO
What a beautiful post. I'm a nursing student in college and just yesterday I was on the pediatric ICU for the first time, and all during the course of a few hours, we lost three of our little fighters. Trying to save their little lives and watching them go to heaven is hard enough, but I cannot even imagine being a mother in that situation. The situation shook me so badly, I went home and wrote on my blog just to sort out all of the sadness. You are welcome to check it out, but this post just brought me back to those thoughts.
You you are so right, and I'm glad you shared this. It's hard to read things like this, but sometimes it's what we need to hear.
Mothers, go hug your children. Sometimes life can get crazy, but just like the mom who dropped her little boy off at school yesterday only to hold his cold body in her arms a few hours later.... you just never know. Be thankful for your little lives because in each little heart is a lifetime of beauty.
Sheye, Thank you for so eloquently writing the words I couldn't find.
Many hugs to you.
my heart just exploded into a thousand pieces... just longing, so much longing and understanding. Your words and your photography are both so stunningly beautiful. I'm honoured to be able to soak them all in. They heal. Thank you sheye.
Beautiful and moving post!!!
Sheye, please read the children's book "Someday" by Alison McGhee and Peter H. Reynolds... it is beautiful and heartbreaking a the same time, as so many things are. I think of you and your lovely babies each time I read it to mine. Thank you again, for sharing so honestly. Thank you.
jbxo
Wow, Sheye...this brought tears to my eyes. The right words escape me today-but I am thinking about you and sweet Ava.
This may be one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. My tears are streaming for you and my heart is filled with love and appreciation for my own children.
Thanks for the perspective.
Every time I read your posts about your dear sweet Ava, I am brought to tears. Grief is so much about losing the person we had...as much as it is about losing the person we didn't yet get to know. I lost my dad before I had any children - they never knew their grandpa (not on this side of heaven anyway, I tell them). Sending love and prayers.
Her tomorrows are found in every person who reads this blog...Ava is continuing to shape our lives.
Your tomorrows have the ability to remind us to not get lost & to 'keep it real'...& I thank you for that x
Much love to you & your beautiful family Sheye xx
I am amazed everything I read a post about your sentiments and thoughts on how you're feeling about your loss of your sweet daughter Ava. You have a way of putting down in words with such clarity, how I think I would feel.
It's hard to explain here. Hope you understand. I am also amazed at how you have touched the blogging world.
You have filled my heart with lead
:(
unbearable, unbelievable,unimaginable!!!
Cherish her yesterdays,sweet-pea!!!
Bless your heart!!
It is incredible just how much we can loose when we loose a child or baby or pregnancy. Not only what life they had, but the million different versions of tomorrow.
Oh Sheye! so beautiful & true. I was at Pac Fair today in Socrates with my 2 little ones when I heard the name Ava... she was a tiny blonde hair blue eyed bundle of absolute excitement dancing to the music & thoroughly enjoying herself! Everywhere I go I see little girls dancing, skipping, singing & doing all the things little girls just love to do... and I imagine Ava... what would she be doing, and how she should be having all of those tomorrows! These tomorrows for my children now mean so much more because of Ava... and I know I say this all the time but... thank you so much for sharing Ava Super Princess, it has changed my life forever! sending you big hugs...
Lots of love
Tanya xxxx
Ava was a beautiful baby! No words Sheye, to what I think has to be one of your most poetic blogs. Thinking of you,
Ally xx
:(
That photo is priceless.
It also needs to hold all of the hearts that Ava has taken with her Sheye.
Your little girl is just so missed. Missed by so many.
x
Sheye.. from all of your posts.. this is the one that has completely taken my breath away. I think about you and your family daily. Especially as i feed my daughter Madison looking at the print of your gorgeous girl, on the carousel displayed on her wall. Ava is such a gift to mine, and many others lives. Much Love xx
Oh Sheye -
I read your post last night, but your words hit heavy and I couldn't formulate anything to say at that moment. Such a beautifully written post and so telling yet it leaves heartstings. I am so happy that Ava was given you as her Mummy. I just don't think anyone else would do. She was such an amazing gift to this earth Sheye. And YOU have a gift as well. A gift to reach into that place that I know is scary and calming all at the same time and share it with this world. In doing so, Ava's light shines SO much brigther and has wrapped around this world to make it a bit brighter as well. I wish there was some way to give you all of her tomorrows... I can promise you that because of her my tomorrows and the tomorrows of so so so many people will be so much BETTER. She has changed so many...
Thinking of you all today and every day sweet girl.
K
Beautiful...
so so sorry Sheye, hugs to you
Lea
Unbelievably and sorrowfully beautiful. Thank you for allowing us to share in your grief and Ava's life. I hope writing it helps. I hope know that we're here to read it helps.
What beautiful words, what a precious little girl.
Thinking of you,
Tabitha X
S.
I lurke often, but comment little. Thank you for sharing so much with us. Ava was gorgeous (and check out her dark baby hair!)
Hugs.
you are right, sheye...
there's no casket that has ever been made that could ever even begin to contain ava and her light alone much less all her tomorrows.
my blog today is about how ava's light has blessed me. i wrote it before i read your entry today. but, i believe it goes along with...
my thoughts, prayers, and love are with you,
dani xx
what a precious photo and how beautifully written but sad......
hugs to you.
you amaze me always.
tara
It's unbearably painful to hear the void that was left when you lost your baby girl. Somehow, I keep coming back, because I admire your strength, courage, and your ability to so clearly express your raw emotion.
I've never met you, Sheye, but I can tell you how happy I am that YOU were Ava's mom while she was here. You're amazing.
Sheye-this took my breath away. Each new day, I think of Ava & try to do a little better than the last.
Much love.
Dear Sheye,
You put into words what many of us have been thinking. What would Ava be doing now, tomorrow, the day after that...
When we catch glimpses of other girls dancing, when we see spotty shoes, when we see a pink balloon our thoughts immediately go to Ava. Thank you so much for continuing to share Ava with us. By sharing you have changed so many of us, making us all better persons.
Tania
I love you.
Her coffin must be heart shaped to hold all that wonder.
Kate F
Your beautiful and so perfect words often have me thinking what an amazing woman and mother you are but this post has just left me well so , so very sad. I feel so much for you and wish it could be different and all of Ava's tomorrows could be today's. Tears stream down my face as I even try to think of what you wrote :(
Thinking of you often ,
Toni
xoxo
That is such a beautiful post Sheye. Ava has changed to many, and has made such an impact on so many lives.
I want to tell you that the other day I went to the shops and just couldn't walk past a pair of red shoes with white polkadots.
I saw them and remembered your post about Ava's "spottys". I bought the shoes, hoped the size was right and sent them to my five-year-old niece in Australia. They fit and she loved them! So these days there is a little girl happily skipping around and feeling so pretty in her new spotty shoes.
Maleny
I feel for you Sheye. I can imagine your loss and all of Ava's tomorrows. Be strong for Luca, Mason and Ivy. Their tomorrows are yours to embrace.
You're in my thoughts and prayers. Take care and an advanced mother's day to you.
With love (from Singapore),
Liza Hassan
Goosebumps and tears. Your words are amazing and that photo.....beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
my words can't express how moving these sentiments are...
BUT i will look into my children's eyes today and see much more than i did yesterday.
thank you.
Oh Sheye, what you just wrote is so unbelievably beautiful - and true. It brought tears to my eyes.
I don't know you but I can tell that you are one amazing woman, friend, mother and wife.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, for sharing your heart.
Sheye,
Your insight is amazing. Thank you for reminding me to treasure my children and all that the future holds.
The only thing I can think to say is thank you. Thank you so much for sharing and for making my day a little more thoughtful and peaceful. So much of who we are is invisible. Apparent mostly to those who love us best.
you have inspired many to appreciate their children more. a blessing we cannot thank you properly for...
You have left me speechless yet again. The way you write is just stunning. This post is absolutely true down to the core. So many people take their children for granted and you just put down everything they should be thankful for. My heart is with you each day! Thank you for posting this.
Sheye, your writing is mesmerizing and breathtaking and stops me dead in my tracks (for all the right reasons) every time I read your posts.
This one leaves me with such a heavy heart, for you, but also with a renewed gratitude for each moment.
Ava is shining a beautiful light onto my world.
Thank you for sharing her with us.
All my love,
Sara
You should'nt have to go through this, Sheye.
It really is not fair...
I do agree in so many others here.
Avas light is shining world over, and has changed so many peoples way of thinking...
Lovexxx
There's no box in the world big enough to hold a lifetime in it, no matter how long or short... Thank goodness the heart and soul have infinite storage space for all of our dreams and experiences that we hold close as treasured souvenirs of life!
Thinking of you and your many tomorrows with a massive amount of love...
What an absolutely beautiful post. I just happened to come across your blog, and it has just consumed me. You write so beautifully and your photos are amazing. It brings tears to my eyes to imagine what you're going through. You are a strong, beautiful person, and I feel blessed to have come across your blog. I am sure your little Ava knows that you carry her in your arms each and every day.
I love your Ava posts. I feel like I know her although I never had the pleasure of meeting her. Your words are so raw and pure and affecting. I find myself changed every time I visit your blog. I read it frequently and it continuously puts life back into perspective for me. You are an amazing woman and I hope you can feel all the love and support so many mothers are sending you, through thoughts, prayer, emails or cards. Know you are never alone and you are giving so many of us strength just by writing about your Angel. Your Ava.
sending you some love, hope you feel it, to pack into your heart and head, to fill that aching space, even if it is only for the briefest moment of calm and peace
xx
You are such a breath of fresh air Sheye, in all things you seem to rise above and continue to be this amazing person.
You are gorgeous from the deep depths of your heart to the loving gorgeous face that beams with smiles for your entire family and it shows in every word that you add to your blog.
I think Ava left you with a gift,one that is going to continue living on in your life everytime you talk about her, inspire others, smile, capture something amazing with your camera..she's there...right along side of you, gifting you. I count myself lucky to be one of the people who reaps the benefit of Avas gifts to you, I always leave your blog with a love for life and family.
Thankyou friend.
I have never commented. Only read, quietly, appreciating your honesty and photographs.
Nothing grand to say now either. Just that this made a very real situation even more real to me and my thoughts are always with you and your family...
Reading your blog today was another moment in my life when I was awash with emotion. The beauty of your words sting my eyes with tears Sheye.
I am told that grief and loss are stored in an area in the human brain that is "without words" because the meaning of what has happened is so profound, so deep that we cannot tell another. It is felt, and witnessed, and honoured. Yet you have the power to tell us in beautiful words, and I am deeply grateful that you are able to share so much.
You are truly amazing Sheye, and your Princess lives in so many hearts now that you have shared her.
When I watched "Enough Rope" last night, it occured to me that one day you might chose another meduim to share Ava with the world. Stories are meant to be shared, and your Ava was so beautiful and you are so brave.
God bless.
Your posts about your lovely daughter Ava always brings tears to my eyes. Your words are so beautiful, so real.
You are a amazing mother, Ava was lucky to have you!
You have a beautiful gift of putting your thoughts into words, and I think you and your strength through all you've endured are amazing. God bless you and your family. Ava and all of you are in my thoughts daily. The tragedy of Ava's loss has made me hold my three babies a little closer each day. Always remember how much sharing Ava's story has touched the lives of others.
Sheye,
Your words help me to be stronger for the children of a mother that was lost recently. When I begin to get weary...I think of Princess Ava and your words.
Such a lovely and touching post. I visited my brother's grave site this weekend for the first time since the funeral. He's a plane ride away. It was so strange. We also celebrated his birthday. It was hard but all part of grieving. Thank you again for the light you share.
So true, so beautifully written. What a lovely picture of you both.
isn't it amazing that, in those first moments, when we are still not even certain that they are really gone... we have to choose something so... dreaded as a casket? i remember feeling so much pressure to pick the right one that would be something aaron would have loved.
there is so much to be missed out on when they pass away so young. you missed out on so much losing ava. losing aaron... i will miss out on having the rest of our children together and watching them grow up and have their experiences.
thank you sheye.
Sheye -
I have been reading your blog for about 4 months now and haven't commnted until now because I want you to know how much this post has touched me. I lost my girl just a little over 6 months ago. She was just getting to the point where I was looking forwad to all of those tomorrows and fially starting to tackle her medical problems. I've never been one to be able to adequately express my feelings about the whole situation, but as I have read your sweet sweet posts, I can't help but feel some peace at knowing that there is someone who knows exactly the same way. This post has truly been an inspiration in times that are hard and sometimes unfair.
Thank you for the inspiration you provide by sharing these intimate feelings. It's something that I can't help but appreciate when I can't get what I'm feeling - out!
Warm Wishes from another mother who misses her girl more than life itself!
Beautiful!
beautiful words. you are such a beautiful soul.
{{{hugs}}}
Vickey
"Breathing them in", you have such a wonderful way with words! Thanks again for sharing your beautiful Ava and you thoughts with us strangers. I hope you had a wonderful mother's day full of wonderful memories of your little sweet princess!
So beautifully put, Sheye. I hope you know how much you are loved!
Sheye, your blogs always bring out a smile, tear, or shake-my-head-in-amazement in me. I'm a friend of Dana Munnings (one of your new friends). She told me about you, your story, and your blogs/photography. I'm in love with it all. Thanks for your beautiful words, stunning photography, and transparency. God bless you.
I stumbled upon your blog in a moment of needing encouragement. My daughter Amaya is one day older than your Ava would have been. Even on the toughest days the thought of your daugther makes me hold mine even tighter. Thank you for having the guts to put all your feelings out there, good or bad. You are an amazing person and I have so much respect for you! I hope your path becomes easier and easier to walk on your way to seeing Ava again!
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