Backward Thinking.

Some days are forward thinking..imagining the future and making plans. Pondering an anticipated event or picturing how tomorrow looks.

Today is not one of those days. Today is a backward thinking day. For whatever reason, much of this day I've spent remembering the boys many moons ago. Thinking of a time when they were barely past toddler and able to outsmart and overwhelm me on an hourly basis. They could reduced me to tears with their devilish antics..in fact for a while I referred to Luca as Lucifer. Apart, they were adorable but together in the same room, a recipe for disaster.

Once I had a man visit to inspect our newish lounge that was becoming faulty. As I stood in the doorway saying goodbye, I commented that I had no idea why the frame should be falling apart seeing as I never let my children jump on it. As I finished speaking, the bemused salesman leaned to one side to look over my shoudler, prompting me to turn around where I saw both of them doing just that, leaping with much gusto and delight from one lounge to the other.

Another memorable day after they turned against me, I put both of them in time out. In the same room. Yes, I know. I was still in training myself, remember. When I arrived to escort them out, they'd exacted their revenge by removing Mason's freshly used diaper and decorating the entire room with the contents. Probably rates as No 1 disaster, even before the 12 broken eggs over the carpet and the pen stuck in the floor fan in my room, spraying black ink all over my brand new white Country Road quilt. (It's still there).

Not a whole lot has changed except that I've got a degree in parenting Team Luca and Mason. I'm proud to say I've never muttered "wait till your father gets home" and I've actually figured out that bribes and threats work way better than pleading.

Those early years of parenting two spirited boys were trying at best. Even still, today I miss the hi-jinx of their younger years and their smaller arms wrapped around my smaller waist.

Then and Now.

2003:

and 2008:Couldn't help remembering earlier versions of playing under the hose type photos... Different time, place and life..still, happy memories. And not just about Luca, for me too..Who doesn't love thinking back to childhoods spent running around the sprinkler in undies, or racing down the Slip and Slide? Forget your lap pool, we had it GOOD!
* New song Miss Halfway by Anya Marina.
(I always have song info at the bottom of my page, for all those people who email wondering !!)
Another great track, thanks to Susannah. This could so be my anthem! But then, I'm quite sure I'm not alone there :) x

In her natural state.

See she's not always tizzied up ready to impress. Sometimes she's just hanging out in the garden, looking for trouble.

Re: Flickr requests! I really do want you to ask to be added, just know that I might not get to it right away, I have literally hundreds of requests. I feel awful that so many of you write beautiful little emails to go with your request and then I can't possibly get to reply to everyone..I'm so sorry!!! If you have an existing profile at Flickr I'm very happy to just add you, no need to convince me! If you don't have a profile, please just drop me a quick line to tell me you're normal(ish). :p

A Cake Bakin'

I still stick by my admission that I am NOT a finger-painting, cookie-baking Mother. It's only at Luca's insistence after finding packet mix in the cupboard that this little event even took place. They obviously had a ball. I just had a reminder why ordering from the Hyatt Bakery makes so much sense.

(And yes, that is my hideous pre-renovated kitchen. Just be thankful I've spared you from the coloured version in varnished orange pine. See why I don't cook?)

Just wanted to say also, I've changed my profile at Flickr to Family and Friends for kids photos..If you want to be added as a contact, just let me know. I am working through a very long list so please don't think I've forgotten you! I'll get there xx
* Edited to say, if you want to be added, could you please send it to me through Flickrmail just to make it a bit faster and easier for this weary old woman. mwah x

Ten Things {That Make Me Smile}

A Few Of My Favourite Things...

1. Sarah Jane's amazing illustrations...
So vintage, so pretty, so everything I love. (Plus she's so lovely herself!)
2. This beautiful stationery by Saratams.
Can't beat a pretty silhoutte.
Or her sweet prints.. 3. Chookleaf.
These childrens shoes are the best EVER! Carrie sent me the link a long while back and I finally found them in a store last week..They are just so beautiful and soft and seem to fit the feet of Ivish perfectly. Cheap, they're not. (but since when did that matter?) I also love that they explain in their little info leaflet that chookleaves are another name for feathers. How cute! (Ivy's are red). *image from chookleaf.com.au

4. This amazing and gorgeous and sublime and ridiculously expensive dress from Trelise Cooper Kids. It's just so very Alice In Wonderland, no? Can someone please stop me from purchasing this? She doesn't need it. Unfortunately, it seems I do. 5. Mark Ryden.
In keeping with my love of all things Alice, this artist I adore. He definitely borders the odd but how can you not love his beautifully detailed work? Not for the faint hearted.
6. And if we're going to be talking art, here's my No 1 fave.. Abbey McCulloch. She's from my town, the Gold Coast but is gaining popularity all over Australia and overseas nowdays. Childlike, girlish, vulnerable..no matter how many times I try to find a new favourite artist, I come back to Abbey. We have two of her glorious works on our walls. If ever a fire, I need to be able to run with one under each arm. I'm Not Scared I liked the contrast of her very strong, almost intimidating appearance with her nervous pose...Abbey told me she wanted to convey how no matter how confident we try to appear, everyone is anxious walking into a crowded room.. and Hush... This sweet girl greets me every morning when I open my eyes. I love love love how fragile she appears and the word hush is one of my favourite. You cannot say it nor hear it without feeling just a little calmer. I know art is such a personal thing and what makes my heart flutter might not rate in someone elses World but both these paintings mean a lot to me.

7. Inke Wallpaper Tree.


Well really, all of their wallpaper flora and fauna. But especially the tree. And of course, it has to go with the birdhouse lamp. When I first started gathering ideas for our renovation, this was the very first thing I tore out and put in my scrapbook. If nothing else, this has to go in Ivy's room.

8. A great day spa.


I've included this because I spent a decent amount of time at one today. And every single time I go, which is nowhere near as often as I used to, I vow to go more often. I truly do think that it should be mandatory...that women be allowed to attend dayspa at least once a week. In fact, the government should give out vouchers... It's a community health issue - imagine how much saner us mothers would be? I floated home today and in a moment of post spa madness, announced to the boys that I'd be giving them a mini spa experience this evening! So while I type they're getting the bath ready and preparing for their facials and foot massages! Here's hoping a little bit of calm imparts to them! (Oh no, wait, they're yelling that they can't find the plug..looks like my 10 favourite things will be stopping at 8 for now!!!!)

xx

(Edited to add 9 & 10!)
9. Mid Century Architecture & Furniture


I studied this at college for a while, I just love all things from the 1950's - particularly those amazing homes you see in old films set in California.. Huge glass windows overlooking the city skyline..flat roofs..white stone..You know the ones? I secretly yearn to greet my husband at the door wearing a pressed frock, heels and a martini in hand. This is my only piece of furniture that fits the era, I plan to incorporate more when we renovate..

10. And, predictably, Ivish. I would have had a photo of the three monsters except I couldn't resist showing off Miss Madam at breakfast today.

The Gift of Ivy.

You've seen me write it 1000 times but it barely scratches the surface. She is, truly, a God Send. I love her so much it scares me silly.

I can't imagine not having her. Just like I couldn't imagine not having any of my children. It doesn't matter that I've seen the other side of "what if".. It makes no difference that, contrary to what I'd always thought I was certain of, I actually did go on and live after the unbearble and the unthinkable took place. That the sun kept rising, I kept waking, my lungs kept drawing breath - even when I wished with all my heart they would not. Even with this knowing, I still believe today, if anything happened to one of my other children...that I could not cope, I could not survive. Isn't that odd? I guess it's just how it is when something means so very much to you.

It's so hard to imagine the void where Ava should be as any bigger or harder to face each day but when I think about not having Ivy making me laugh and to demand to put on a pretty dress and to put her little arms around my neck while she whispers "la lou" in my ear... well I just can't imagine. Initially after February, I hoped so much Ivy would look like Ava - that I would keep seeing Ava's face in hers, that her mannerisms would grow into Ava's.. I so needed to have glimpses of what I was missing so desperately.

One year on and it feels so good to have begun slowly but surely celebrating the things that make Ivy her very own little person. She is different to her sister in a lot of ways, she is growing into another beautiful little girl who has so many amazing characteristics, a great sense of humor and a reeeeeeally loud voice. Sometimes she shows me a little glimpse of Ava and it is a true gift but I'm just as happy to see all the glimpses of Ivy...

So, if you can't tell, I'm all sentimental today.. There's been a whole lot of melancholy and too many tears this morning but there is always an upside to the lows..No matter how hard the moment, I've learnt a better one always awaits...and that I am still so, so lucky.

I plan to spend the afternoon doing nothing more than hanging out with my boys - even if it means watching the World Wrestling!! Thankyou so much, as always, for all the beautiful emails this week, there have been more than a few and I am behind in responding, I'm sorry :)

How Did You Know...

My sweet MSF friends?

Today, of all days. Today when I feel so run down and unhealthy and tired. After yesterday when I had Twisties for dinner. Really. (Trust me, this was a first.) I really really needed this today. It's been a tough one.

I know we all have them, us overtired Mummies...One of those mornings where there seems to be a constant monologue playing in one's head. Breathe deep, keep sane, one foot after the other. Smile nicely, make the sandwiches, kiss the bruises better. But all the while dreaming of solitude. A moment to be able to keep one thought straight without the interruption of mumwhere'smyshoes and ican'tfindmylibrarybook and mummmmivybrokemybestpencil.. But of course the moment the house empties, the mess leaps out and I was almost wishing they'd run back in the door to distract from the devastation.

I possibly would have fared better this morning if not for the Trans Fatty Acid dinner-in-a-packet last night. I was well and truly nagging myself over this when a very large box arrived at my door...




and LOOK! Just like that!! Could I have gotten anything more perfect today???? I ran up the stairs lugging the box yelling to Crayte "Honey, we have the most amazing present!!!" (He LOVES fruit!!)

We're so delighted at this incredibly thoughtful gift, I'm so amazed that a box of fruit could look SO beautiful!!! The photos do not do it justice - every single piece of fruit is perfect -it smells like fruit and it, shock horror, even tastes just like fruit!!! Of course I also love the little naughty corner of chocolate - what a perfect balance.

I don't think I could rave any more without sounding a little nutso but I'm really very very touched and grateful...now I've had a giant dose of much needed vitamins, I'm ready to greet the monsters with open arms :) What a difference a perfect apple can make!

(I had to get the photos in quick whilst smacking Crayte's hand away!!! Stunning fruit box from Fruit Only - I can't recommend them enough if you're looking for the perfect gift..just beautiful!!!!)

Inspired.

You shall ask

What good are the dead leaves
And I will tell you
They nourish the sore earth.
You shall ask
What reason is there for winter
And I will tell you
To bring about new leaves.
You shall ask
Why are the leaves so green
And I will tell you
Because they are rich with life.
You shall ask

Why must summer end
And I will tell you
So that the leaves can die.

- Nancy Wood

A photo taken yesterday morning..All my sunny bikini photos of late are a bit of smoke and mirrors - in reality we've had nothing but rain for weeks and weeks... So yesterday when I woke to the bluest of skies it was a real treat, the green leaves just shone and waved merrily and I had to pull the camera out... Initially, when I uploaded the images today, I was a bit annoyed to see that dying leaf there..I wanted it all to be perfectly green and matching. Before too long I remembered something I'd read only yesterday afternoon in the heartbreaking book by William Verity, Bear Is Now Asleep. He tells the story of life after losing his three year old daughter, India, in an accident.

The opening page reads..

On that stormy night
a top branch broke off
on the biggest tree in my garden.

It's still up there. Though its leaves
are withered black among the green
the living branches
won't let it fall.

Norman McCaig

It was the strangest thing, to realise my photo unexpectedly reflected these very words and to see such beauty in that yellowed leaf all of a sudden. A little thing really but I've pondered it today... tonight I found this poem by Nancy Wood and just had to share the two. Thankyou to Danielle and Noel for your thoughtful gift, while to most it would just be a book, it's given me even more than we both expected, thankyou.

Well I'm a little slow in the post department this week..you can blame it on Flickr. I've had a small photostream there for over a year but just decided to start updating so it's been taking up time where I'd normally be blogging! It's a little bit addictive, good old Flickr...(And can also be daunting with all that amazing talent floating around!)..

I'll be back with more photos soon.
S xxx

Splish. Splash.

A few snaps as Ivy flounced around the pool in her new bikini this afternoon. And not just any bikini, a Janie and Jack - sent all the way from the US of A by the gorgeous Krysta. Can you say spoilt?

(And if you can't, then we'll make do with utterly scrumptious...Can you tell I still haven't shaken off that severe bout of Ivish?)

Souls Intertwined.

This amazing gift arrived yesterday. From an amazing person I have never met. I have taken a few of the beautiful words on her card to share and show just why her package left me speechless..(Apart from the "Oh Gosh" that kept falling from my mouth... So much so that every time Ivy sees the bracelet now, she says "Oh Gosh" too!) Since putting it on, every time I look down at my hand, I imagine Ava holding it.
Sweet, sweet K. Thankyou.

Raining Joy.

Yesterday it began teaming with rain..As always, Mason began pleading to be allowed run around outside.. This has been a non stop activity over the last week and being so tired of all the washing this habit brings about, I said "Mason! Why do we have to do this every time?" and he replied "Because Mum it's raining joy". Oh, truly, I almost pushed him out the front door! I don't know how he does it but he manages to find the perfect answer every time and I'm putty in his hands :)

A short while later I roamed out myself and was astounded to see the sky had turned pink. Really, really pink. And then, just to make it perfectly perfect, along came a rainbow. It wasn't until I uploaded I realised it was a double one :) The pink hue you see under the rainbow stretched it's way across the whole sky until it turned dark. Just beautiful.



You're probably so tired of me saying thankyou every single post but how can I not? I'm so overwhelmed, still, at the kindness that finds me every day... Thankyou thankyou thankyou. And that won't stop me saying thankyou tomorrow either :)

Officially Overwhelmed

Words..so many, soooooo many beautiful, heartfelt words.
And poems. Gosh, the poems I've had the honor of reading.
A dream shared that wrapped around me for the entire day.
A fleeting photo of a pink flower that has never been before. How?
A wee handmade fairy sleeping...she stole my breath.
A box of tiny paintings, with carousels and all things princess. Which made me cry.
A sparkly butterfly making it's way here tonight.
Balloons of hearts and glitter and pink.
Candles glowed and gardenias bloomed.
Tributes and photos and reflections I have saved to show my childrens children. I cannot wait.
Cake. And scones. Freshly baked bread. And dinner for the kids. All magically appearing at my door.
The phone rang and messages beeped and the mail delivered and the email filled..

It's not the first day I've been carried with kindness but probably the first I've really been able to thoroughly absorb it. Today I've stood back and simply marveled at the generosity and the absolute kindness that abounds.

Truly, I am touched beyond words. You, amazing beautiful generous people, have given me something I could only wish for with numbed shock back in February, one year ago.

That Ava would not be forgotten. I am eternally thankful.

S xxxx

Holding On.

Thankyou so much. So many beautiful words...they really do make me feel supported right now.

For some time now, I have consciously tried to live day to day. I have tried not to think about how hard tomorrow might be, or Ava's next birthday or her graduation day. I've realised that sometimes the anticipation really is worse than the reality of an event so I've become skilled at living in the here and now.

While this is helpful in getting though each day, it also means I am sometimes a little suprised at just how hard certain moments in time can be. Some days can sneak up and steal the breath out of me. They can make my heart race and cloud my every thought. I am suprised that this day, the 3rd of February, feels so very impossible. Today holds the overwhelming desire to step back in time. I have never felt it like I do today. I have often heard people say "If only you could turn back the clock" and you know, I've never really considered that idea too long or hard. It's not possible so there's no point.

Yet today, I wish with all of my might that I could do that very thing. It feel like there is a huge clock ticking in my house, in my car, in my mind..reminding me of every moment leading up to 1pm on that day, 1 year ago. I don't want to think about it, I'm not trying to, but the ticking won't go away. So for the next 48 hours I will just hold on, and hold Crayton and hold the boys and Ivy and look forward to breathing again after Tuesday.

Thankyou again to every person who has gone out of their way to show us such love and support not just this week but every single day for the past year. It has been amazing and overwhelming and has made a difference to the worst year of my life. I imagine each comment left, each anecdote told, each candle lit to be a brushstroke and I can stand back a year on and see the most amazing painting..It shows such love and comfort and generosity of spirit.

Every person grieves differently but for me, the ability to share Ava with so many people, to hear so many beautiful things said of her and to feel like she really does live on in people's minds and hearts helps me. Every single day. I am thankful.

Just a couple of things...

I have a new email address - I have already notified as many people as possible from my address book but in case I've missed someone, the email link here is the new one.

Ava's memorial site may have difficulties over, ironically, the 3rd Feb - 5th Feb. The server will be down for maintenance at times so if you would have liked to light a candle, please just keep trying and if not, please still light one after the 5th..the candles lit and the comments left there mean a lot to us.

Finally, to Ava. You were, are, and always will be, my sunshine.

With much love.

My heart skips..

an extra beat today. Because it's February. Because I don't want it to be. Because it seems so recently..Not too many days before today, I was oblivious. I was happy. I thought I was pretty lucky (and quite clever) really - 2 boys, 2 girls. All 2 years apart. But of course life gets in the way of gratitude on a daily basis and like all people, I whinged about the usual..sleep deprivation, school issues, wanting my house to look all perfectly perfect..

But then, on this day one year ago, I found myself in hospital with kidney stones. If you've ever had them, you'll believe me when I describe the pain as very, very akin to labour without drugs. And just to really make it a competely gruesome experience, the pethadine I had for two days before surgery made me vomit until I thought I'd turn inside out.

I was so incredibly miserable and missed my family and normal days with them so, so much. All I wanted was to be healthy and to be home. The boys started a new school that week and I wasn't even there for their first day. As I sat parked in a wheelchair with a dish in my lap one morning, I clearly recall telling myself that there was NOTHING more important than just being healthy and being with the ones you love.

When I did get home, I was grateful. I looked forward to getting completely well again and remembering what really matters. I didn't know I only had two more days with Ava.

I feel robbed that four out of her last seven days I was not even at home.

I feel robbed that I sent her to kindy an extra day because I needed the rest.

I feel robbed that I let her sleep at Grandads the night before she left.

How I wish I could go back and sit with her, every second of that week...That month...For every single second of her 1263 days. Just to hold her and breathe her in and study her face and her hands and her big big brown eyes. To tell her she was my dream come true, my biggest wish granted.

But I cannot. I can only desperately try to recall every possible moment we shared, to stare at her photos until my eyes sting and to believe with all my heart that she knew, without a shadow of a doubt, just how much she was loved and what she meant to me.

As I walk through the days leading up to one year, I can't help but replay that week..over and over. I can't help but imagine.

If only.

If only.

If only.