Today I feel:

totally and utterly derranged with sleep deprivation after Ivy spent the night bed hopping and wailing, for the second eve in a row. She might be very small but she has the power to turn the entire household crazy. Amazing.

Today I see:

stormclouds and bedhair - it's a really bleak day here in Brisbane. No photo action for me so I'm off to a swish city salon at lunchtime to redeem the bedhair.

Today I need:

SOOOO many things from PMA. (Well specifically an Eizo monitor and a slick Wacom tablet). It was exciting and inspiring and amazing - product overload, in fact. Kate and I sat at the dinner table last night sighing over all the glossy brochures and wondering where to begin. I met lots of familiar names - it was so much fun to recognise faces I've seen on the internet!! Conventions are exhausting but before we'd even left, I wanted to go back.

Today I want:

to laugh and laugh (or possibly cry??) because of my conversation earlier today with Mason that went like this:

Mason: "Mum, are you happy with how my face looks?"
Me: "Absolutely! Your face is perfect! Why?"
Mason: "Well I'd like to ask you for something."
Me, perplexed: "Okayyy".
Mason: "Yes, I'd like to get Pro-active".
Me: "Mason!! You don't need that!! It's for when you don't have beautiful skin like you do. It helps to make you look better then".
Mason, eyebrows raised. "Ohhhh. I seeeee! Like if you have moles and wrinkles and stuff?"
Me: "Mmm, kind of".
Mason, helpfully: "Well maybe you should get it then Mum?"

Oh, the power of advertising. And, oh, the unknowing cruelty of a seven year old.


Today I hope:

I can get on top of email one day soon..As always, I apologise to those I've neglected..thankyou for the all the beautiful, beautiful email that is sent my way.

S xx

A New Happy.

{Image kindly taken by Angie after I fell on my butt mid-shoot on Saturday}.

Along the way, you might have heard me mention MSF, a small forum I've belonged to since 2005. What started out as a group of shopping obsessed women became an amazing place of friendship and refuge to share stories about our familes, our work, to ask medical advice (although eventually we had to make up a rule with that one that said, simply, "Do Not Google"!) Much of our conversation still revolved around shopping for beautiful kids clothes but much of it didn't too. I always thought that these women really were much more than just forum friends and I got to see that first hand in February last year. At Ava's funeral, some of my MSF friends travelled from all over Australia to be there...It was amazing to me then, it still is now.

The original MSF forum closed just after Ava's accident, for numerous reasons, and in the process I lost a lot of what was akin to many journal entries about life with Ava, in the "Old Universe". Just recently, the forum administrator was kind enough to re-open the forum and allow members to access their posts.. I have only just sat down to do this the past week, to start to read over those entries. I was so happy to see I had almost 500.

I couldn't help but go straight to my last entries prior to losing Ava..nothing stories really, silly, banal anecdotes.. But really, to read them now..they're so much more than that. I can't explain just how confronting it has been reading my own words, in that other universe, where I sound so light? so happy? so soft? I don't sound like me. I'm this completely different, untouched person who had no idea that her life as she knew it was ending.

When I first read those entries, I cried so much, realising all over again just how much I've lost. It's such a hard thing, to peek into the old World and see how completely perfect life was.. to see my name beside these posts and read the words I'm sure I did write but they just don't sound familiar. My new happiness is so different to the old happiness I knew. It's there, it's just so different.

This is part of a post I wrote in the days after losing Ava.

What I can tell you is that being here, in my worst nightmare, in every Mothers worst nightmare, is that God..or whoever it is...was clever when he made us. He knew to wrap us tight in a little bubble and to just make it all blank. I am there and I'm walking and talking and breathing and I don't know what the next moment holds or if I can ever get through this or why it was us. I do know that the very second, the VERY second I saw her I KNEW. I have been mourning her since Saturday and while I know you all prayed so hard and wanted so much for it to come out okay, I already knew. I am writing this today because I don't know if tomorrow will be the day where my World starts to crash down and then what? Do I ever take another photo? Do I ever smile again?

It's not easy to read my words from that week..we were so deep in shock and I remember the sheer terror we felt, not being able to process the reality or the finality of it all.

Today I am simply grateful that life has gone on, that we continue to adjust ever so slowly and that we still work hard at creating happiness in our new World..To carry on seemed so impossible back then..but we did, we surived that first year, with so much thanks to those who've supported us and continue to. There were so many days in those early months that brought us to our knees, literally, but it is incredible just how much we really can withstand..way beyond what is believed possible.

What I do know is that the truly difficult days of our lives change us more profoundly than anything else. When I meet people who appear less than happy, who are harsh or unkind, I have so much more respect for just what they may have endured along the way. I am so grateful that because I still have a wonderful husband and three beautiful children here to laugh with and because of so much love and support from so many people, I am finding my new happy.

How lucky am I?

S xx

Bright and shiny things.

A good week lies ahead..

We're getting together our ideas for the renovation - I love thumbing through my big old folder of tatty magazine pages that I've sighed over for months now - I'm so excited to see it all starting to come together. We have some really special ideas for "Ava's Garden"..I can't wait to share them when we're finally finished. (Or am I deluding myself that there is actually ever a finish with renovating??)

Kate, Fran and I are heading off to PMA later in the week - should be interesting as I've never been before. Nothing like a whole exhibition hall filled with all things photo.. Bliss!

Jen arrives on the weekend for a flying visit..It's never long enough but I can't wait to just hang out for a night and catch up side by side.

And, honestly, I'm just loving every single day with Ivy at the moment..Not that I don't always love all the days with all my three but she's particularly gorgeous right now..saying lots of clever things and being very cute and bossy all at once.. I'm actually looking foward to her non-kindy days this week! Here she is in the garden the other afternoon..I love the flounce off in the last one.

S xx

Guca, Buca, and Luca. {Boy Of A Thousand Names}

I'm not doing so well in the blogging stakes this week, am I? Life is just too, too busy. Still, I'm really enjoying having the office where I can get a lot done in a short time and be able to foucs on home stuff when I'm well, home. It's been a good change. I will post some photos of my little space as soon as it's looking all pretty.

Actually, Kate did come to help with decor type things the other night but we managed to set off the security alarm four times in the process. After having to flee down the 80 meter hallway with a horrendously loud screamer/screecher/howler device thingy going off and expecting the SAS to jump out any moment, we were a little too adrenalin filled to try hanging curtains.. We'll attempt it again soon, with the security pin number handy this time.

Thought I'd share some boy pics..Mr Luca collecting berries and last weekend while waiting to meet a friend for fishing..Turns out we were waiting on a pier about 3 suburbs from where his friend was. I never was good at directions, espescially when it comes to piers. That's manstuff.




xx S

For the Love of Twingy.

Every day, we negotiate big and little things that pop up and make us miss all over again. Like every single time I see a girl Ava's age. And when I see my three children chasing one another, squealing. And like when I dare to peek into Ava's wardrobe...

Anyone who loves the clothing brand Oilily will nod with instant knowing when I say "Kimono Twingy". It was the skirt. You know, that long ago sold out one that you just have to have..irrespective of cost or absolute unavailability.. hence in 2006 I went on a one woman mission to scour the entire World for it. I seriously did ring places so far away that the shop assistants did not speak English (yet magically knew enough to understand Kimono Twingy). I was possessed and I would not rest until I had that carnivale of a skirt in my hands. I just knew it was meant for Ava. For twirling in at all the birthday parties she'd attend..For overdressed trips to the supermarket. For any given event that required a two year old dressing to impress, really. I gleefully imagined other Twingy loving mothers needing to know how on Earth I found one. Yes, it was ridiculous (and so much more-so now) but oh how I yearned to own that skirt.

Eventually, after a fierce Ebay bidding war and with racing heart and sweating palms, I did in fact win that Kimono Twingy. It didn't matter that I could have bought a small country for the cost of it or that it was way, way too big for her..one day it would fit and the endless search would have been worth it.

When I stand and look in Ava's cupboard now, I always pause at that skirt. My eyes sting and I catch my breath and I remember just what that one item of clothing represented for me..the falling in love with this silly skirt, the endless chase and the glorious victory. It just seemed to caputre everything I loved about finally having a girl..The color, the whimsy, the twirl. My absolute love of shopping for Ava..from before she was born. How could one piece of fabric hold so many emotions and expectations? I don't know, but it did.

While it will never be worn to the birthday parties I'd imagined, I did put it on her for our 2006 Xmas card photo..pinned to stop it falling to the floor. I could have shown the more perfect images, the Hallmark suitable ones..but I like these more.

xx

Well hello there.

I've just popped in to say I'm still around, just busy trying to adapt to this strange new World that does not include dropping in here whenever I feel like it. Tomorrow I'm back in the office and promise to spend a little time sharing photos and emptying thoughts..I'm running out of room in my head!



Ivy's new frock and boots...which is the best I could do in rain with a toddler who's head seems to turn backwards everytime I get the camera out lately.

S x

Reasons To Be Thankful

1. Because today I moved into my new office. I'm a little nervous about this new approach, not having my beloved Mac at my fingertips any hour of the day or night but it will be a wonderful thing to have uninterrupted work time and home time. I'm going to be a proper working woman by day and a domestic goddess by night. Imagine!

2. Because I managed to do some real excercise for the third time this week today. Anyone who knows me knows that's a mighty achievement. I hate sweating. My husband nicknamed me "the leisure model" many moons ago.

3. Because Sarah Jane's totally gorgeous illustrations arrived today. I bought these two for Ivy's room when it's renovated..It makes me think of what I know both my girls would do if they could play together.




and this one purely because it reminded me of this.


4. Because I had so many beautiful messages from beautiful people over Mothers Day and they really did make a difference. From the bottom of my heart, thankyou.

5. Because today I put Ivy's hair in pigtails she looked older and I loved that she reminded me a little of Ava and we ran around the garden and we laughed and played with the guinea pigs. She makes me feel lucky and she makes me feel grateful.


These are my little bits of Beauty Full for today.

Hollow {Another Day Less Ordinary}

I've sat here for too many minutes today.. trying to think up something sweet and interesting and beautiful to write about my children. To explain why I love being their Mum. To share what makes them amazing. To tell stories about their lovely gifts and their excitement and their cuddles. To believe it is all okay. Except it isn't very okay at all.

It's Mothers Day and one of my babies is missing and my heart hurts and my eyes are puffy and I still have to smile and swoon and hug like nothing is wrong when everything is. I'm bitter and I'm jealous and I'm sad and I'm tired. I just miss her so much.


Mothers Day, 2006

Brad & Lauren

On the weekend I attended the wedding of my cousin Brad and his beautiful bride, Lauren. It's always a strange thing to see younger relatives getting married..suddenly it appears we must all be adults now. When did that happen?

I took along my camera for happy snap guest type photos and tried hard to refrain from having the real photographer abducted so I could take over :p It wasn't easy!

Lauren was SO stunning, she reminded me of one of those Martha Stewart Brides type brides..She looked so incredibly happy all day and Brad was just totally smitten. So sweet to see :)

Congratulations Brad & Lauren, your bond is something beautiful.

S xx

Miss Macey.

You've heard of Meester Macey, right? Well meet his female equal, Miss Macey. How do I know they're equal? Neither of them listen to me. Very quickly Miss Macey picked up that if she looked at me, I'd do that thing where I stick a big old lens in her face so she became very skilled at Looking The Other Way. And, just like my own, she gets away with it because she's so damn cute :)







Thanks for a fun afternoon guys :)

Apologies for the lacklustre header but I've tried to make things interesting with my most favourite-ist song in the World at the moment..you can even watch the video at the botton of the page! I'm relocating blogs soon so stay tuned for something real purty :)

And thankyou to all for the lovely comments about my last post..I really do appreciate the opportunity to share the hard days, more than you know.

Love Sheye xx

All Of Her Tomorrows.

When we chose Ava's casket, I vaguely remember some of my thought process. They're so tiny. (But she's so tiny.) Is there just white? It should be pink, really. Silver or gold handles? Silver is better for a child. But gold would suit her skin. (Oh but she's not wearing them, it's just to go with white.) What will look prettier in the chapel? What would she like?

But more than anything..Are we really here, doing this?

I could not even begin to process what we were doing. Not us. Not for our daughter. Please don't let this be our life. Our child. It was so unbelievable. (It is still unbelievable.) I didn't realise on that day that her little tiny white casket with silver handles and a cross needed to hold so much more than our precious daughter.

It had to hold her first day at school. Her uniform. The bows for her plaits. Her books. The friends she'd meet. The lunches we'd make for her. Her graduation dress.

It had to hold all her toys along with all her future things of treasure ..her cd's, her jewellery, her perfume, her car and her house and all her trinkets.

It had to hold her friends. The sleepovers and the shopping trips. The coffees and the wines and the trips to the movies. The giggly phone calls. The games, the gossip, the disagreements.

It had to hold so many parties. Her birthdays, her engagement and her housewarming parties. Her friends parties. The outfits she'd carefully choose, the shoes to match. The gifts. The excitement.

It had to hold a husband. A whole wedding. A beautiful wedding dress...and the dresses of her bridesmaids. A honeymoon and a happily ever after.

It had to hold her children. Her clothes for a bigger belly, her parenting books, her babies nurseries. Her fears for their safety, her hope that she was doing a good enough job.

It had to hold every single one of her dreams. Her hopes for a bright future, her worries about the unknown, her anticipation of all the tomorrows. Her opinions, her beliefs, her faith. Her regrets and her achievements. Her amazing, wonderful, full, happy life that never became.

These are my quiet thoughts today. Pondering what is really contained within each of our small children. So much. So very, very much that we vaguely imagine at times and smile and look forward to.

It is a gift that now, when I hold my children dearly and breathe them in, I'm not just grateful for them, I'm so thankful for all of their tomorrows.

Love Sheye xx